Anger, Control, and Fear Erupting

Recently, I erupted with anger toward God. Beneath my anger I was feeling out of control. My eruption turned into a series of journal entries. Too honest. Too recent. Embarrassing. Can we just watch sports instead?

“Everyone of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self.. We are not very good at recognizing illusions, least of all the ones we cherish about ourselves.”

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

The Shadowy Figure Speaks

Somewhere behind my obsession with performing for God, a shadowy figure has emerged. This person is unknown to me until now. Wounded, bitter, and enraged. He is tired of the beating I give him. It appears I house a divided self: one who works desperately to please God and the other who has yet to know and rest in God’s true nature. The restless one erupts unexpectedly and painfully. Who is this strange person? He is me. He is hurting terribly. I should probably listen. I don’t really have a choice. The cat is out of the bag and the claws are extended. It’s time.

Father, there is a shadowy side of me that I have been hiding from myself and hiding from you. I am angry, bitter, and resentful. I am realizing how truly fearful I am of you and of the life you have given me. In Jesus, I am not supposed to be afraid. I should be at peace and at rest. But I am not. Beneath the anger is fear. And with the fear is my lost sense of control. If I could perform my way into your approval and the approval of people then perhaps I would finally feel secure. But you don’t work that way. You do not play by the rules of my games. And people are a moving target at best.

I am spiritually bankrupt, God. I have no other moves. I cannot figure this out or perform well enough. I am phony. All of my efforts to earn your approval are worthless. If I could earn your approval then perhaps there would be less uncertainty and smoother sailing. All along it has been about one more self-help book, one more discipline to add, one more year of growing, and a little more money to validate me.

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.”

Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Running Scared

I realize there are multiple levels of theology, psychology, and just common sense about life that my words and prayers seem to violate. A fear that has not been fully faced can create an irrational mess beneath the surface, as it has in me. I find myself strangely and anxiously driven, obsessive, and restless in the routines of everyday life. Until the fear is acknowledged and brought into the light, it remains hidden in the dark where my shadow self bears the brunt of it’s pain while my known self continues to perform under false pretenses.

If I could behave my way into the approval of God and people then all my security is based upon what I do in my own strength. Any slip, and it all falls apart. I am hard on myself because I need to give an optimal performance. Failure and shame are the worst case scenarios that I dread. And so I labor under this underlying dread. If this kind of fear driven behavior isn’t from God then where does it come from?

Great question. What are my fears trying to tell me? What does God have to say in response to my fears? I am studying a book called “Running Scared” by Edward T. Welch. His words are a companion as I walk through this time of dealing with my anger and fear as I look to God for his truth to bring renewal, rest and real surrender.

I wish I had a way to neatly tie up this entry. There is much more to explore. The light is slowly invading my resistance. I reach out and then I pull back again in terror. In starts and stops, like most real growth.

“Rather than minimize your fears, find more of them. Expose them to the light of day because the more you find, the more blessed you will be when you hear words of peace and comfort.”

Edward T Welch, Running Scared

This may seem like a disappointing development from an otherwise mature Christian. And it probably is. But for me this also reveals a beautiful, growing trust in my Father to bring these fears out of the darkness and show him. How often we are growing the most when it seems we are falling apart. The key is to keep moving towards him, bringing ourselves into the light. This is true maturity when he touches our places of immaturity.

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“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

1 John 4:18