When I was young I wanted to be good at Christianity. A good religious person works the system of Faith as prescribed. I understood that if you mark the right boxes on the to-do list and do them well then you’re a good Christian. I was overly self-confident and arrogant, relying on my own abilities and self-discipline to practice doing and being the person I thought would please God and bring success.
Thus far, I have tried to make God into a system or formula with some relationship in the mix. It wasn’t all false; I was really seeking him. And he continues to find me. Even while I’m lost and “doing it wrong”. In my own efforts, I figured if I practice the spiritual disciplines enough then I will get the results right. It’s sort of plug and play religious thinking. It’s an algebra problem. Solve for “X”. If you don’t get x right then figure out what you did wrong and try again.
Being a flawed human, there are endless possibilities of what I could have done wrong because I am imperfect. Plus the fact that my idea of what x should be is based on my own selfish, faulty assumptions and interpretations of the Bible and church life. X could mean success in the forms of prosperity, fame, comfort, book contracts, health, Christian converts, real estate, etc. If and when I achieve these things then I would assume I’m working the formula right and he is pleased with me.
But no, I’m too weak to run the entire gauntlet of steps needed to make the formula work. And so shame kicks in. There’s obviously something wrong with me. So maybe I should go into hiding until I get stronger and get the steps right. That’s what the greats do, right? They enter the desert, figure it out, God gives them strength and they emerge from their desert experience as Super Christian Heroes.
The truth is no one emerges from a real encounter with God wanting to be a Christian hero. Why? Because God is too much. Such an encounter usually involves a jarring life change. And so a real humility sets in. An overwhelming realization of my own limitations, inadequacies, and a painful awareness of my own deceitfulness and sin is burned into the soul, never to be forgotten. Since I cannot pretend anymore, the only option left is surrender. My own efforts and my own Christian algebra formula is an unsolvable equation.
“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
James 4:6
‘God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.'”
I’m forced to have a relationship with God where I have no more games and nothing left to hide or prove. It’s a total sense of horror at my own deception and very freeing at the same time because he forgives me and loves me, knowing everything about me. It’s both terrible and wonderful at the same time. It’s a terrible blow to the pride and sense of self-sufficiency I used to have. However, I’m not alone in my struggles anymore.
I don’t really like it because I’m not in control. I don’t get to create my reality to suit my tastes and preferences. I do like it because he is here with all of his peace and presence to shepherd and take care of my needs one day at a time. Throughout the New Testament, Jesus calls someone and says, “Follow me”. His disciples dropped their fishing nets and other occupations and agendas and followed him. After that, they were no longer in control of their day to day lives.
Put simply, it’s transitioning from “I’m not very good at this” to “he is very good at this”. Thankfully, his grace is sufficient for me. It hurts my pride and comforts my soul. What a wonderful, uncomfortable thing to admit I’m not very good at Christianity.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Galations 2:20
A Heart Transforming 