Grace gives me the freedom I need to grow. Out from under constant shame and guilt for who I am and what I have done. I am covered on all levels. There is no need to cover myself. And there is no need to hide from myself. My past, present, and future are exposed to the full impact of love.

“By realizing my inability to live up to the laws of life, I had reached the end of myself. I was a candidate for grace, for unmerited favor. I was a candidate for God to be for me and to give me things that I did not have on my own. I realized that I was “poor in spirit” and in need of God.”

“How People Grow” by Dr John Townsend and Dr Henry Cloud

At first, this is quite a shocking experience. My inclination is to run back into the familiar dark. In the dark, I wrap myself in blankets of fear and denial, trying to hide from the drastic change. It takes time for eyes to adjust to light. Like a person born without sight, I have just received major surgery to be able to see for the first time. I am not quite ready to remove all of the bandages covering my eyes. It has to be somewhat gradual. My brain is undeveloped and does not know how to process the new information. The old programming is still operating, though it is slowly changing. I am seeing things I have never seen before, and I am not ready to walk full speed into the new reality. It is both wonderful and terrifying.

The first things I notice are objects that are still somewhat in the shadows. My house is a mess. The luxury of my previous life of blind denial is that I couldn’t see the full extend of my own mess. It would have been too unbearable. Without the company of grace, the reality of my human condition is crushing. Before, I would pretend I have some measure of control. I could see what I wanted to see and deny the rest through my choice fantasies and rationalizations. I am a genius at fooling myself and building self-defenses.

The Christian facade gave me some parameters to work with. If I was disciplined and checked boxes a, b, and c, then perhaps I was doing well according to my self-evaluation. But it was never good enough of course.

Tell me,
Where is it safe for a hypocrite to find grace?
Insulate from all the shame
Mental tombs hide the pain
Until the rock rolls away

Fracture
Initiate
Integrate

No longer guarded
Resurrection day

The very place where you are not supposed to be a hypocrite
Is the only place left to go
When you discover
You are a hypocrite.

Tim Livingston