Daring, Volatile Steps Towards God

Have you ever been angry at God? Not me, until now. My eruption turned into a series of journal entries. Too honest. Too recent. Embarrassing. But I need this, and I suspect we all do. Shall we? I’d rather watch basketball.

A Shadowy Figure Emerges

I am the lifelong Christian, like the Elder Son in the parable of the prodigal son. I have been the prodigal also. But now, having returned home years ago and restored to good standing, I find myself growing cold. Or perhaps a part of me has been cold all along.

Father, I am afraid of you. Afraid of the demands of life and my place in it. Internally, I find it hard to rest. I truly do not grasp what you mean by “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:30). How can I rest and be secure in you when there is so much to do? In my view you remain a harsh task master standing over me, waiting for me to do something significant. And I, the one who wants to bury my talent for fear of doing it wrong.

I simply don’t have the capacity to do everything I see should be done. I’m so far behind. I will never be strong enough. The stronger I get, the more I see that needs to be done, the more I see the need to be stronger. How do I live and work from a place of rest, even while under strain?

And so I’m angry at you God. Why did you do this to me? Why do you demand so much from me? From someone so weak?

Why do you stand over me like a critical and disappointed Father? Why do you condemn me whenever I make a mistake? Why do you hold over me the fear of your judgment? I hate you for that. I’m bitter, resentful and tired of trying to please you under these terms. This is ridiculous. How could you?

I thought I understood grace. Freedom in Christ. In this moment I realize that what I think and what I believe can be two very different things. Somewhere behind my obsession with performing for God, a shadowy figure has emerged. This person is unknown to me until now. Wounded, bitter, and enraged. He is tired of the beating I give him. It appears I house a divided self: one who works desperately to please God and the other who has yet to know and rest in God’s true nature. The restless one erupts unexpectedly and painfully.

“Think for a moment about how Christ-following develops if you assume God looks at you with disgust, disappointment, frustration or anger. The central feature of any spiritual response to such a God will be an effort to earn his approval. Far from daring to relax in his presence, you will be vigilant to perform as well as you possibly can. The motive for any obedience you might offer will be fear rather than love, and there will be little genuine surrender. Surrender involves relaxing, and you must feel safe before you can relax. How could anyone ever expect to feel safe enough to relax in the presence of a God who is preoccupied with their shortcomings and failures?”

David G. Benner, Surrender to Love: Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality

This may seem like a disappointing development from an otherwise mature Christian. And it probably is. But for me this also reveals a beautiful, growing trust in my Father to bring these hurts out of the darkness and show him. How often we are growing the most when it seems we are falling apart. The key is to keep moving towards him, bringing ourselves into the light. This is true maturity when he touches our places of immaturity.

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Reader Questions: Feel free to respond to one or more of these in the comments section below. I look forward to any discussions.

1. What has God done in your life that has made you angry or upset with him?
   
2. In what ways are you “performing” in order to feel worthy of God and others?
   
3. Are you aware of a “shadow self” or a wounded person within that you are trying to compensate for in your life? (If you’re not aware, ask God to show you if there is a place that you are hiding from him and yourself.)

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23-24