How We Think: The Trump Verdict

On the topic of Trump’s recent guilty verdict, I have done a general fly over on the facts and details. I have listened to some brief commentary from both sides and a few sources. At the moment I have concluded that a discussion about how we think politically as individuals and as a collective is far more important and helpful for the long term health of the country.

The Passengers

On election day, we will vote for who we want to pilot this plane called America. My concern is more with the passengers than the pilot. How are we thinking during this process? How will we react when the votes are in? Can we approach each other, the challenges we face, the people we choose, and our own roles with a sound mind? The health of the country comes down to how well we manage our collective anxiety. What will it take for us to maintain a relative calm and thus make the best decisions? No elected official can do that for us. It will take healthy passengers, crew and staff to course correct where needed and help us fly well.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

We all have a point of reference from our seat on the plane. Each of us have a personal foundation of knowledge, values, maturity and life experiences we bring to the moment. Part of my foundation is that I majored in Communications and Mass Media in school. We’re taught to be informed observers of media sources, identify bias, cross reference, look at different angles, separate facts from opinions, and so on. It helped me see the importance of our responsibility as individuals to think for ourselves, seek wisdom, and understand our sources well. I also bring a Christian worldview to the table which brings a unique set of assumptions, beliefs, and convictions.

With each election, I find myself re-examining myself, the events that have occurred, and the accumulation of information and observations I have made since the last term. I want to vote well. I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear, anger, and on the hysteria of the masses. It is important for each of us to take a personal inventory of where we are, how we are informed and work on our self-awareness.

Uncertainty in Politics

When it comes to voting and politics, we all confront a degree of uncertainty. We want to be right with our ideas and opinions. We like decisions to be black and white. We want the facts we base our decisions on to be sourced from definitive places of truth, honesty, and integrity. We often don’t get that kind of certainty with politics and government and people. Particularly when it comes to people. Have you ever found out someone has been lying to you when you thought they were telling you the truth? We all have.

We often don’t know or recognize our own blind spots and echo chambers. Regardless of who we are, there is often a leap of faith we take when we go to the ballot box and cast our vote. That is why we value the checks and balances of the American system. That is why all parts of the plane, especially the passengers, must remain intact with a high degree of integrity regardless of the pilot.

It’s challenging to take a step back and examine ourselves, to work on self-awareness. Big decisions call upon us to draw from that the best we can and move forward with calm and courage. Our hope and prayer is that the plane will continue flying through the bumps and adverse weather conditions, regardless of who the pilot is both now and in the future.

Why I’m Not Very Good at Christianity

When I was young I wanted to be good at Christianity. A good religious person works the system of Faith as prescribed. I understood that if you mark the right boxes on the to-do list and do them well then you’re a good Christian. I was overly self-confident and arrogant, relying on my own abilities and self-discipline to practice doing and being the person I thought would please God and bring success.

Thus far, I have tried to make God into a system or formula with some relationship in the mix. It wasn’t all false; I was really seeking him. And he continues to find me. Even while I’m lost and “doing it wrong”. In my own efforts, I figured if I practice the spiritual disciplines enough then I will get the results right. It’s sort of plug and play religious thinking. It’s an algebra problem. Solve for “X”. If you don’t get x right then figure out what you did wrong and try again.

Being a flawed human, there are endless possibilities of what I could have done wrong because I am imperfect. Plus the fact that my idea of what x should be is based on my own selfish, faulty assumptions and interpretations of the Bible and church life. X could mean success in the forms of prosperity, fame, comfort, book contracts, health, Christian converts, real estate, etc. If and when I achieve these things then I would assume I’m working the formula right and he is pleased with me.

But no, I’m too weak to run the entire gauntlet of steps needed to make the formula work. And so shame kicks in. There’s obviously something wrong with me. So maybe I should go into hiding until I get stronger and get the steps right. That’s what the greats do, right? They enter the desert, figure it out, God gives them strength and they emerge from their desert experience as Super Christian Heroes.

The truth is no one emerges from a real encounter with God wanting to be a Christian hero. Why? Because God is too much. Such an encounter usually involves a jarring life change. And so a real humility sets in. An overwhelming realization of my own limitations, inadequacies, and a painful awareness of my own deceitfulness and sin is burned into the soul, never to be forgotten. Since I cannot pretend anymore, the only option left is surrender. My own efforts and my own Christian algebra formula is an unsolvable equation.

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
‘God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.'”
James 4:6

I’m forced to have a relationship with God where I have no more games and nothing left to hide or prove. It’s a total sense of horror at my own deception and very freeing at the same time because he forgives me and loves me, knowing everything about me. It’s both terrible and wonderful at the same time. It’s a terrible blow to the pride and sense of self-sufficiency I used to have. However, I’m not alone in my struggles anymore.

I don’t really like it because I’m not in control. I don’t get to create my reality to suit my tastes and preferences. I do like it because he is here with all of his peace and presence to shepherd and take care of my needs one day at a time. Throughout the New Testament, Jesus calls someone and says, “Follow me”. His disciples dropped their fishing nets and other occupations and agendas and followed him. After that, they were no longer in control of their day to day lives.

Put simply, it’s transitioning from “I’m not very good at this” to “he is very good at this”. Thankfully, his grace is sufficient for me. It hurts my pride and comforts my soul. What a wonderful, uncomfortable thing to admit I’m not very good at Christianity.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Galations 2:20

Anger, Control, and Fear Erupting

Recently, I erupted with anger toward God. Beneath my anger I was feeling out of control. My eruption turned into a series of journal entries. Too honest. Too recent. Embarrassing. Can we just watch sports instead?

“Everyone of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self.. We are not very good at recognizing illusions, least of all the ones we cherish about ourselves.”
Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

The Shadowy Figure Speaks

Somewhere behind my obsession with performing for God, a shadowy figure has emerged. This person is unknown to me until now. Wounded, bitter, and enraged. He is tired of the beating I give him. It appears I house a divided self: one who works desperately to please God and the other who has yet to know and rest in God’s true nature. The restless one erupts unexpectedly and painfully. Who is this strange person? He is me. He is hurting terribly. I should probably listen. I don’t really have a choice. The cat is out of the bag and the claws are extended. It’s time.

Father, there is a shadowy side of me that I have been hiding from myself and hiding from you. I am angry, bitter, and resentful. I am realizing how truly fearful I am of you and of the life you have given me. In Jesus, I am not supposed to be afraid. I should be at peace and at rest. But I am not. Beneath the anger is fear. And with the fear is my lost sense of control. If I could perform my way into your approval and the approval of people then perhaps I would finally feel secure. But you don’t work that way. You do not play by the rules of my games. And people are a moving target at best.

I am spiritually bankrupt, God. I have no other moves. I cannot figure this out or perform well enough. I am phony. All of my efforts to earn your approval are worthless. If I could earn your approval then perhaps there would be less uncertainty and smoother sailing. All along it has been about one more self-help book, one more discipline to add, one more year of growing, and a little more money to validate me.

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.”
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Running Scared

I realize there are multiple levels of theology, psychology, and just common sense about life that my words and prayers seem to violate. A fear that has not been fully faced can create an irrational mess beneath the surface, as it has in me. I find myself strangely and anxiously driven, obsessive, and restless in the routines of everyday life. Until the fear is acknowledged and brought into the light, it remains hidden in the dark where my shadow self bears the brunt of it’s pain while my known self continues to perform under false pretenses.

If I could behave my way into the approval of God and people then all my security is based upon what I do in my own strength. Any slip, and it all falls apart. I am hard on myself because I need to give an optimal performance. Failure and shame are the worst case scenarios that I dread. And so I labor under this underlying dread. If this kind of fear driven behavior isn’t from God then where does it come from?

Great question. What are my fears trying to tell me? What does God have to say in response to my fears? I am studying a book called “Running Scared” by Edward T. Welch. His words are a companion as I walk through this time of dealing with my anger and fear as I look to God for his truth to bring renewal, rest and real surrender.

I wish I had a way to neatly tie up this entry. There is much more to explore. The light is slowly invading my resistance. I reach out and then I pull back again in terror. In starts and stops, like most real growth.

“Rather than minimize your fears, find more of them. Expose them to the light of day because the more you find, the more blessed you will be when you hear words of peace and comfort.”
Edward T Welch, Running Scared

This may seem like a disappointing development from an otherwise mature Christian. And it probably is. But for me this also reveals a beautiful, growing trust in my Father to bring these fears out of the darkness and show him. How often we are growing the most when it seems we are falling apart. The key is to keep moving towards him, bringing ourselves into the light. This is true maturity when he touches our places of immaturity.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18