How We Think: The Trump Verdict

On the topic of Trump’s recent guilty verdict, I have done a general fly over on the facts and details. I have listened to some brief commentary from both sides and a few sources. At the moment I have concluded that a discussion about how we think politically as individuals and as a collective is far more important and helpful for the long term health of the country.

The Passengers

On election day, we will vote for who we want to pilot this plane called America. My concern is more with the passengers than the pilot. How are we thinking during this process? How will we react when the votes are in? Can we approach each other, the challenges we face, the people we choose, and our own roles with a sound mind? The health of the country comes down to how well we manage our collective anxiety. What will it take for us to maintain a relative calm and thus make the best decisions? No elected official can do that for us. It will take healthy passengers, crew and staff to course correct where needed and help us fly well.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

We all have a point of reference from our seat on the plane. Each of us have a personal foundation of knowledge, values, maturity and life experiences we bring to the moment. Part of my foundation is that I majored in Communications and Mass Media in school. We’re taught to be informed observers of media sources, identify bias, cross reference, look at different angles, separate facts from opinions, and so on. It helped me see the importance of our responsibility as individuals to think for ourselves, seek wisdom, and understand our sources well. I also bring a Christian worldview to the table which brings a unique set of assumptions, beliefs, and convictions.

With each election, I find myself re-examining myself, the events that have occurred, and the accumulation of information and observations I have made since the last term. I want to vote well. I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear, anger, and on the hysteria of the masses. It is important for each of us to take a personal inventory of where we are, how we are informed and work on our self-awareness.

Uncertainty in Politics

When it comes to voting and politics, we all confront a degree of uncertainty. We want to be right with our ideas and opinions. We like decisions to be black and white. We want the facts we base our decisions on to be sourced from definitive places of truth, honesty, and integrity. We often don’t get that kind of certainty with politics and government and people. Particularly when it comes to people. Have you ever found out someone has been lying to you when you thought they were telling you the truth? We all have.

We often don’t know or recognize our own blind spots and echo chambers. Regardless of who we are, there is often a leap of faith we take when we go to the ballot box and cast our vote. That is why we value the checks and balances of the American system. That is why all parts of the plane, especially the passengers, must remain intact with a high degree of integrity regardless of the pilot.

It’s challenging to take a step back and examine ourselves, to work on self-awareness. Big decisions call upon us to draw from that the best we can and move forward with calm and courage. Our hope and prayer is that the plane will continue flying through the bumps and adverse weather conditions, regardless of who the pilot is both now and in the future.

The Child in the Shadow

I found my wounded self, emerging like a haunted shadow from the basement. My arrogant, religious self was too sick to go on. When I heard the cries of a child, I felt compelled to go unlock the basement door. There I was, looking at my younger self like Bruce Willis’s character in the movie “The Kid”.

I felt a tenderness and compassion toward him. I also thought he was the missing piece to my ongoing, prideful goal of Christian stardom. Little did I know, he would expose my deception after many hours of conversation. The hardest part was seeing my pride in it all. Then I realized that pride is probably the darkest and most dangerous of all deceptions in my life and in everyone else’s life. It keeps us alone, trying to fake our way through and perpetuates our self-deception. And we don’t even know we are doing it half the time.

Practically speaking, I did this work by joining a group. In a guided setting, I walked with my younger self through every stage of my life. From the circumstances surrounding my conception and birth all the way to my present stage of adulthood. And I shared everything in the safety of my trusted group, some of whom had done this before. In reality, this is too hard and painful to walk through alone.

As a child and young person growing up, so many difficult things happen to you. Without a good ally, someone who’s safe, healthy, wise, and mature you usually don’t know how to process the difficult and often traumatic events happening to you and around you. For me, I didn’t know how to reach out for help or risk telling a trustworthy person my secrets. You sort of survive, do the best you can with the pain and confusion, and just keep going. You don’t realize that you’re developing beliefs about yourself and about life that are often lies that become part of your identity and belief system moving forward. Then you wonder why growth isn’t happening in certain areas.

If you could go back in time and revisit these moments, even the darkest and most painful ones, would you do it? Would you go back and tell yourself the truth about what happened and correct any lies and false beliefs you developed in those moments? In the worst moments of your life? Would you speak truth, life, and affirmations to encourage yourself, knowing that somehow bringing truth into your past will bring peace and resolution into your present?

Would you go back and tell yourself the truth about what happened and correct any lies and false beliefs you developed in those moments?

I chose to do so. Figuratively speaking, I found my younger self locked away in a basement all alone. Hearing him out was very painful because he is an integral part of me whether I choose to acknowledge him or not. I had created an identity that suppressed his precious life because I thought he wasn’t good enough for people, not good enough for God, and not good enough for anyone else. Therefore, he wasn’t good enough for me. So I locked him away and tried to go and be someone else that seemed more acceptable.

The talks went well. They were terribly painful. When he cried, I cried. When he hurt, I hurt. He had lots of questions. We learned to work together to bring closure to those painful memories. The group I was in prayed for and witnessed our conversations and helped to identify lies I had believed that I needed to work through with my younger self. I needed their feedback to see things that I would not have seen by myself.

Those old deceptions were often my protections. They were painful false beliefs, but at least I was used to them.

It’s tough and exhausting doing this kind of work, but well worth it. Like clearing away a lifetime of debris and weight. And bringing dark, hidden secrets to the light for the first time. Oftentimes shame lives behind the fear of being exposed. But when I let the light in to see my shameful places, shame had to leave when I replaced it with heartfelt affirmations, grace, and mercy. I found new freedom. In large part due to my group’s support and encouragement.

There were many hard fault victories. As the child healed, I healed. I’m not used to this kind of freedom. It’s bewildering because many of my old belief systems and false identities are falling away. Those old deceptions were often my protections. They were painful false beliefs, but at least I was used to them. And in these moments moving forward I ask God who am I really? And what do you want me to do now?

Those are hard questions for someone who used to think I had it all figure out for the most part. But I know God is closer than ever before. He’s hard to see when I’m hiding behind the smokescreen of my own false beliefs and fantasies.

Would you go back and revisit yourself in all stages of your life if you could? Why or why not?

Perfectionism, Shame, and Shadow Boxing

My anger towards God recently surfaced. I started writing out of this experience.

I never saw my shadow ’till I saw the light
And now I need more light to drown it out
I cannot bear that this should continue
Nor can I bear that it should stop
Massivivid, “Drop” (Song lyrics)

Shame and Perfectionism Take Hold

The demands I place on myself are too much. Perfectionism tells me that no matter what I do, it’s never good enough. As a result, shame tells me there is something fundamentally wrong with me. When I agree, I project those beliefs onto God. He is constantly judging me. So I try to perform better to combat my own shame. And I project those beliefs onto people. They are constantly judging me. People, I can get away from temporarily. Myself, I cannot. God, I cannot.

I try to improve myself to combat my own shame. However irrational it sounds, somewhere along the way I have believed the lie that I must do the impossible in order to be acceptable: be perfect.

What takes over is a generalized and pervasive kind of performance anxiety. My behavior is dictated by my own perceptions of external influences. If I don’t measure up, God will hurt me. If I don’t measure up, people will hurt me. My own experience seems to confirm these ideas. Because it is impossible to meet my own and everyone else’s wants, needs, and expectations, I find myself being hard on myself when I fail. Why? Because I wonder what is wrong with me. I am ashamed of myself, I am afraid, and I don’t know how to fix my imperfections so that I am no longer afraid.

Shadow Boxing

In my developmental years, I dealt with this by creating a persona in order to play the role I had to fulfill. This isn’t my real self. He is someone I developed in order to successfully present myself to the world and to God. Everyone reaches this stage and to some degree creates their own character to deal with the challenges of life. Similar to creating a character in a video game, we choose our looks, weapons, and skills in order to create an identity that will survive and hopefully win. We intuitively know we are imperfect and that someone outside of ourselves will probably judge us and hurt us as soon as they find out. Every character we create is vulnerable.

One approach is to make myself acceptable to everyone as far as I am able. Another approach that is gaining traction in popular culture is to put myself out there and try to make everyone accept me as I am. Neither approach deals with the fundamental problem of a broken and wounded self. This is the self we encountered early in life when we began to experience disappointment and shame.

“It (self-hatred) begins by accepting the special value of the particular self called me; then, wounded in its pride to find that such a darling object should be so disappointing, it seeks revenge, first upon that self, then on all.”
C.S. Lewis, “Two Ways with the Self” (From the C.S. Lewis compilation book, “God in the Dock”)

The broken self gets dealt with in a number of ways, most of them ineffective at best and destructive at worst. For me, I put him in the background while I developed a more presentable person who, once perfected, will become successful and thrive in all areas where I am weak and enhance my strengths. It seemed like a worthwhile project at the time. Fake it ’til I make it? Sure, but what happens to the wounded self once I make it? How do I cope with the pressures of success? How do I cope with inevitable moments of failure? What do I do with that underlying fear that someday my weakness will surface and sabotage everything I have worked for?

Christian Disillusionment

Early in my childhood I became a Christian. With all of my normal human baggage I entered into a relationship with God through faith in Christ Jesus. I am grateful for that and still believe wholeheartedly. What needs to be unpacked is the way I have tried to use God in order to work on my pet project and enhance my public image. I wanted to not only be a good Christian, but I wanted to be good at Christianity in the same way I was good at basketball when I was younger. With lots of practice and focus, I would really do this well and gain some notoriety and favor from God and people. If I put in the work, God would enhance my ego, eliminate my weaknesses and really make me glow. Great plan!

And, with a little grooming from my church tradition, hyped up Christian youth camps, and the unique influence of Christian culture in the 90’s, I chose to believe that God would come through and make me something quite special. The result would finally be a comfortable life with enough money and acclaim to help me feel good about myself. These ideas became the “carrot on a stick” that I would chase for a long time. Again, my own ego and distorted perceptions are also responsible for misinterpreting my church experience.

I understand why people say Christianity doesn’t work for them. It doesn’t “work” for me either. What I mean is, whatever assumptions and expectations I had of myself and of God when I started this have not come to fruition quite the way I wanted. I couldn’t manipulate God or work the process to my selfish advantage. My Christianity was driven by self-centered motivations. I pursued a relationship with God with my own agenda, which really limits meaningful intimacy with God. Now, the difficult part is dealing with spiritual disillusionment and disorientation.

“The wrong asceticism torments the self: the right kind kills the selfness.”
C.S. Lewis, “Two Ways with the Self” (From the C.S. Lewis compilation book, “God in the Dock”)

The process of disillusionment over the years has been terribly painful. However, the more recent experience of seeing him work in me is rather surprising. It is still painful, but in a good way. The pursuit of a right relationship with God is now moving towards realizing what he wants from me, which takes priority over what I want from him. It is a kind of death to the self-centered orientation of my life. This movement actually helps me find compassion and healing towards my emerging shadow. Like the prodigal son, the wounded, angry, and rejected self is coming home to his loving heavenly Father.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”
Luke 15:20

Anger, Control, and Fear Erupting

Recently, I erupted with anger toward God. Beneath my anger I was feeling out of control. My eruption turned into a series of journal entries. Too honest. Too recent. Embarrassing. Can we just watch sports instead?

“Everyone of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self.. We are not very good at recognizing illusions, least of all the ones we cherish about ourselves.”
Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

The Shadowy Figure Speaks

Somewhere behind my obsession with performing for God, a shadowy figure has emerged. This person is unknown to me until now. Wounded, bitter, and enraged. He is tired of the beating I give him. It appears I house a divided self: one who works desperately to please God and the other who has yet to know and rest in God’s true nature. The restless one erupts unexpectedly and painfully. Who is this strange person? He is me. He is hurting terribly. I should probably listen. I don’t really have a choice. The cat is out of the bag and the claws are extended. It’s time.

Father, there is a shadowy side of me that I have been hiding from myself and hiding from you. I am angry, bitter, and resentful. I am realizing how truly fearful I am of you and of the life you have given me. In Jesus, I am not supposed to be afraid. I should be at peace and at rest. But I am not. Beneath the anger is fear. And with the fear is my lost sense of control. If I could perform my way into your approval and the approval of people then perhaps I would finally feel secure. But you don’t work that way. You do not play by the rules of my games. And people are a moving target at best.

I am spiritually bankrupt, God. I have no other moves. I cannot figure this out or perform well enough. I am phony. All of my efforts to earn your approval are worthless. If I could earn your approval then perhaps there would be less uncertainty and smoother sailing. All along it has been about one more self-help book, one more discipline to add, one more year of growing, and a little more money to validate me.

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.”
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Running Scared

I realize there are multiple levels of theology, psychology, and just common sense about life that my words and prayers seem to violate. A fear that has not been fully faced can create an irrational mess beneath the surface, as it has in me. I find myself strangely and anxiously driven, obsessive, and restless in the routines of everyday life. Until the fear is acknowledged and brought into the light, it remains hidden in the dark where my shadow self bears the brunt of it’s pain while my known self continues to perform under false pretenses.

If I could behave my way into the approval of God and people then all my security is based upon what I do in my own strength. Any slip, and it all falls apart. I am hard on myself because I need to give an optimal performance. Failure and shame are the worst case scenarios that I dread. And so I labor under this underlying dread. If this kind of fear driven behavior isn’t from God then where does it come from?

Great question. What are my fears trying to tell me? What does God have to say in response to my fears? I am studying a book called “Running Scared” by Edward T. Welch. His words are a companion as I walk through this time of dealing with my anger and fear as I look to God for his truth to bring renewal, rest and real surrender.

I wish I had a way to neatly tie up this entry. There is much more to explore. The light is slowly invading my resistance. I reach out and then I pull back again in terror. In starts and stops, like most real growth.

“Rather than minimize your fears, find more of them. Expose them to the light of day because the more you find, the more blessed you will be when you hear words of peace and comfort.”
Edward T Welch, Running Scared

This may seem like a disappointing development from an otherwise mature Christian. And it probably is. But for me this also reveals a beautiful, growing trust in my Father to bring these fears out of the darkness and show him. How often we are growing the most when it seems we are falling apart. The key is to keep moving towards him, bringing ourselves into the light. This is true maturity when he touches our places of immaturity.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18