With this post, I want to review some of what’s been happening internally and preview where I would like to go next with this writing adventure. Let’s dive right into the deep end. That’s what we’re here for!
To review, I had emerged from a major place where I was an internally divided. There was my carefully constructed Christian facade where I would try to perform and pretend to be something I am not. Perform well and cover up was the name of the game. It was a self-constructed entity meant to hide my own fear and shame. Shame keeps repeating phrases such as “I’m not good enough” and drives the anxious heart to perfectionism. It says there is something wrong with me and it’s my fault and I have to fix it before I can feel worthy. Shame and fear can be terribly destructive if not dealt with in a healthy way. That is where I want to go next. Because that sounds like a good time, right? I am reading a book called “The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson. For whatever reason, I am wired to go where the pain is first. I want to get the hard part over with as soon as possible. Then we can live our purpose with more wholeness and joy.
As I mentioned, the journey started with exposing my false self who was covering my wounded self. I am learning about the role that shame plays to create this divided self. Shame has been at the root of all kinds of phobias, social anxiety, stunted growth patterns, self-sabotage, codependency and so on throughout my life. Other than that, no big deal right? And I’m not the only one. We are all impacted.
Shame keeps repeating phrases such as “I’m not good enough” and drives the anxious heart to perfectionism. It says there is something wrong with me and it’s my fault and I have to fix it before I can feel worthy.
Still a Christian?
If you have read my other posts on this subject, you may wonder if church has generally been healthy for me. Should I even bother with it? I have wondered that myself. But that is similar to telling a workaholic they should not go back to work. Work is still necessary to live, but the approach needs to change. A shift in identity is needed.
I concluded that even though church seems like a part of my neurosis, that doesn’t mean that Jesus is to be dismissed. Rather, I believe the opposite is true. Jesus is the source of all healing. The closer I am to him the more whole I become. My biases and opinions, including those from my church tradition, become transformed and integrated as my relationship with him grows. The more I know him the healthier I become. And I can pass that health along to my brothers and sisters at church and help bring healing there and beyond as I grow in him.
A couple of years ago I started praying frequently for more light. “More light Lord, more light.” It was a quote from a Charles Spurgeon sermon. As my recent blog posts have shown, he is answering that prayer with more light than I have ever wanted, but oh do I need it. The inner Christian hypocrite has been revealed for who he is. The wounded self in hiding has emerged. I am reintegrating as a person and moving forward in my healing and growing process. As Romans 12:2 says, “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.
Jesus is the source of all healing. The closer I am to him the more whole I become. My biases and opinions, including those from my church tradition, become transformed and integrated as my relationship with him grows.
All is Grace
When I spend time with Jesus, the word grace takes on new meaning. The Christian definition of grace is best defined as “unmerited favor”. And we only learn grace by seeing and knowing God for who he really is. Grace requires that I own up to my profound state of brokenness and my inability to fix it. In light of grace, my newfound sense of vulnerability moves me towards a more complete dependency on God. Only with him is there enough light to dare opening and moving toward the most painful and broken places in my heart.
A Heart Transforming 