Perhaps I’m a little dumb, like the movie character, Forrest Gump.
Hand me a football, point me towards the end zone, and tell me to run. Like Forrest Gump, I don’t really know when to stop. Forrest would keep going past the end zone until someone helped him. This video makes me laugh every time!
STOP Forrest!
I had been working full time, taking Seminary classes, serving as church treasurer, and navigating family changes during the last 2 years of the pandemic. I was on empty and didn’t want to admit it.
During long drives, I don’t like to pull over at the exit even when I need gas. I want to get wherever I am going even if there is no real hurry to be there. I barely take a lunch break at work. I am internally driven. Perhaps it is the first born syndrome. I need to have a significant and challenging goal ahead of me. But I suspect there is more beneath this internal drive.
Father, I don’t like stops. I have begun to realize that I see you as a hard taskmaster who demands too much of me. I often run fearfully, thinking I’m never doing enough, nor am I good enough. But perhaps if I keep running then one day I will cross a magic line, having achieved enough to consider myself worthy of you and people.
Seminary seems like a good way to find that magic line. Learn a lot, grow, and earn a Masters degree. Regardless of my false motivations, I am convinced that you have called me to study and pursue ministry. No one wakes up one day with perfect motivations to follow you into ministry.
I believe everything you call us to is part of your plan to grow us in maturity and intimate relationship with you. I have looked for an easier way, but there is no running from you. Whether I am called to be a vocational minister, auto mechanic, cashier, wealthy, poor, or retired. You are there, constantly working and cultivating my heart in Christ Jesus.
Seminary is now on pause in order to rest and regroup financially. We have an empty nest at home. I cannot ignore my heart behind the distractions of study and other responsibilities. I do try to find some escape in YouTube and sports, but that only goes so far.
Now I am having to deal with areas that have been stewing beneath the surface of my consciousness. I believe a lot of us are having to do this as the pandemic seems to taper off. Coming out of a crisis is often harder than going into one. Everything that was perhaps put aside in order to deal with the immediate challenges of the pandemic are now needing to be dealt with.
Father, what do you want to do during this rest stop? You know it is more painful for me to stop than to keep going. I’m afraid of losing momentum and motivation. I’m afraid I will miss you. Maybe you will move on without me. I am afraid of the weakness and weariness I now feel. What if I never feel strong again? Did I ever really? How long will I have to wait?
Truly, I find that your mercy is renewing me. Like cold water being poured over my sweaty, shaking hands. And you begin to draw me away into the shadow of your wings.
Reader Questions: Feel free to respond to one or more of these in the comments section below. I look forward to any discussions.
- Talk about an area where you are having to wait for God. How is he using this time to get your attention and work in your heart?
- What kind of unique challenges are you dealing with as we slowly emerge from the pandemic?
“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.”
Psalm 36:7
A Heart Transforming 